Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
