I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
