And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We left the knife in your bed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
