I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
