ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
