Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
