Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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