I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
