***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
