I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
