Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
