trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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