Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
