Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
