yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw a hot homeless man
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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