If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
