i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
