Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
