Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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