I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
