You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
