the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
