you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
