I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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