She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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