Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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