I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
