did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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