I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
