I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
