If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
