just come out here and I will go home with you...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
