phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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