dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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