I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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