I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
