I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
bring money and cleavage
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
