A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
