Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
