i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
