im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
