In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
