I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
