i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
