my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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