You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you pee in the oven last night??
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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