my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
the raccoons are back...
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