Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
