My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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