i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
