fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
