Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
