I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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