I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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