I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
